Questions to Ask Yourself When Feeling Mom Guilt
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This week, Cayley Benjamin of Cayley Benjamin Coaching shares her Top 5 questions to ask yourself when feeling mom guilt.
Cayley is a Motherhood Coach and offers virtual workshops and one-on-one coaching to support mothers to normalize the journey through motherhood, challenge the social pressures of perfect motherhood and define life on their own terms. She has been a facilitator and coach for 14 years leading personal and leadership development work in the corporate world, including the last five at lululemon, and recently started her own journey as an entrepreneur.
Motherhood and Mom Guilt
Culturally, it seems that being a mother is synonymous with feeling guilt. There’s even a word for it: mom guilt. It’s my belief that guilt doesn’t have to be a part of the experience of being a mother. In most cases, guilt is the result of unrealistic social expectations of mothers, and mothers unknowingly internalizing these pressures.
Some of the many unrealistic social expectations placed on moms are:
You should be the one doing the care work
You should be able to do it all
You should feel fulfilled completely by your children
You must put your child’s needs in front of your own
You should be grateful
While we can intellectually understand these pressures, it’s difficult to untangle them from our thought patterns. And thus, we feel mom guilt. Guilt then becomes shame when we start to blame ourselves or feel unworthy, i.e. “I’m a bad mom”.
Yet, you can actually change the inner voice of guilt. When you name it and you question it, you start to break the pattern.
Next time you find yourself questioning your worth as a mom, feeling like a bad mom or feeling guilty, try this practice:
What am I feeling?
Pause and notice what you’re feeling both physically and emotionally.
Why do I feel this way?
Notice what’s caused this feeling. Is it a tension between something you think you should do versus what you want to do? For example, let’s say a feeling of guilt creeps in when ordering takeout again for your family. You might feel like you’re failing as a mom because you want to provide home cooked, healthy meals for your family.
It’s possible that over time themes may emerge. Once you can identify the themes causing the feeling of guilt, it’s easier to watch for these triggers.
Where did I get this message from?
Some good places to start are social media, family, friends, society, movies, tv, books. In the takeout example, you might notice that you’ve been seeing many other parents share their beautifully plated, well-rounded, home cooked meals on their instagram lately.
What do I choose?
Determine if you’re living by someone else’s standard or your own. Make a conscious choice that’s in line with your values AND acknowledges your capacity at this point in time. Picking up the takeout example: you chose takeout because it acknowledges that your capacity right now is limited. You’re exhausted and it provides a meal for your family. Win, win.
What do I want to acknowledge myself for?
Consider how you would speak to a fellow mom friend and offer yourself an acknowledgement: “you’re a thoughtful caring mom”, or “your needs are important too”.
Learn more with Cayley Benjamin
If you’re interested in getting support in untangling thought patterns, feeling less guilt and more joy as a mom, please visit my website cayleybenjamin.com and take a look at my motherhood programs and one on one coaching offering.